The update that isn't.

So, today was the big day of my HSG and guess what?  I had to cancel.  Sigh. We are in the middle of yet another big snowstorm and the roads were just too bad to travel on.  For those of you keeping score at home, this is now 2 out of 3 tests that I've had to cancel during my evaluation cycle due to snow.  I did actually try to go to the hospital this morning, but my poor little civic nearly spun out twice in the first mile of my trip.  I decided to turn around and come back.  I figure it will be harder to make a baby if I'm not alive.

I'm bummed about about this for a myriad of reasons:  1) I was looking forward to the test to see if it had answers.  2) I already took one of my antibiotics this morning, so now I need a new rx for that.  3) I didn't have sex  for the past month for NOTHING!  I called my doctor's office to reschedule, but since today is day 21 of my cycle, apparently I can't schedule anything now and have to wait until day 1 again, which should actually  be Monday, so I don't really have that long to wait, but still.  I'm trying to decide if I want to schedule it during this cycle or the next one.  Honestly, I'm not sure I like the idea of another month of no sex.

Now I'm sitting on the coach, trying to decide where to go from here.  I have the day off and planned to relax with my cramps and watch movies (wherein movies = trashy reality tv), but since I didn't actually have the test, moving forward with that plan seems slightly lazy.  I really should start taking down the Christmas decorations or clean up in general from hosting Christmas.  Or I should get started on my New Year resolutions.  But even as I type this, I can feel my hand reaching for the remote.  Yes, 2014 is off to a rousing start indeed!

Testing, testing

Alternate title for this post: I haven't had sex in a month.

Here's an update from our visit to the RE and what tests we've done since.  We met with our RE at the end of November and really liked her.  We just sat and chatted with her, talked about our histories, her philosophies on making a baby, etc.  While reviewing my history, she claimed I was "pretty boring", medically speaking (obviously she wasn't talking about me personally, because I'm a hoot).  Things got more interesting for her with my husband, who has high cholesterol, high blood pressure and drinks pretty regularly.  This conversation actually gave me pause because it was the first time I considered that he might be the problem and not me.  This is concerning to me because I'm not sure how he would handle that.  He's a pretty typical guy and keeps his feelings bottled up and I worry this could cause him to shut down.  I'm trying not to think about it too much since I don't actually know anything.  Also, I would rather him have a problem than not be able to find a problem at all.  Unexplained infertility scares the bejesus out of me.

But, we have a plan for now:  we were scheduled for 3 day blood work, a 10 day  blood work and ultrasound, sperm analysis and an HSG for me.  I did the 10 day tests, but missed the 3 day due to snow.  They are having me come in for my next cycle's day 3.  My husband did his thing and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I feared it might be.  We also make jokes about it pretty  regularly, which has been pretty fun for me.  I have my HSG scheduled for Thursday, and honestly, I'm nervous.  I'm trying not to read too much about it, but that's not going so well for me so far.  I'm also hoping that the dye will magically clear my tubes and we'll get pregnant this month.  Because that's how my mind works.

But, because of the HSG test being scheduled so far out, I haven't sex in over a month.  And. It. Is. Rough!  It was also hard to know that I was ovulating and couldn't even try to get her fertilized.  Also, this meant that I wouldn't get pregnant in 2013, and that was a hard pill to swallow.

I haven't written anything since my first post because I've been wrestling with whether I want this to be a public blog or not.  I originally signed up for it with my regular email address, but I started to feel uncomfortable about friends or family stumbling upon it.  So, I created a new email, attached it to the blog and removed my actual email.  Maybe that will change some day, but for now, I like the idea of having an anonymous space to say what I want about this journey.

So, Happy New Year!  2013 out!

Welcome to my world.

Hello, my name is Laura and I've been trying to make a baby since January 2013.  On some level, I knew I would have trouble conceiving, even though I really have no good reason for thinking that.  I’ve always had regular periods, I have a normal BMI and I’m relatively young at 32.  But, I started following infertility/TTC blogs circa month 2 of trying.  I thought it would help to read about other people going through the process, and it has.  It’s also shown what a scary world infertility can be.  I’ve debated starting my own blog for a while now, but didn’t really feel like I was a member of the community yet and I thought I’d get a lot of side eye for complaining about not being able to conceive after 6 months.  Plus, I had 3 real life friends struggling with making a baby, so I had plenty of support.  Then 2 of them got pregnant.  I was doing fine because the remaining babyless friend was my closest friend and the one whose journey most closely matched mine.  As in, our periods were basically synced and we started trying at the same time.   It was so great to be able to say things to her that no one else would understand.  We counted days together, reported symptoms to each other, cried with each other, and ultimately just “got” each other. 

 

Then today, I got the following text “I took a test.  Its positive.  3 tests later confirm.  Wanted to send thru text if you dont want to talk.”  Well, that pushed me over the edge.  I got that text at 10:57 am and spent the next 7 hours in the fetal position on the couch watching QVC and eating Reese’s peanut butter cups.  It was dark.  And man, I went really dark.  But, in the last half hour, I’ve pulled myself together enough to start writing.  I think was I was mourning most this afternoon was the loss of my confidant.  She was my last touchstone.  My last place to send my fears.  And now I feel so very alone. Sure, I have my husband.  And he’s great.  He tries to say the right things and sits with me when I cry, but he doesn’t “get” it.  He wants a baby as much as I do, but he doesn’t feel the weight of an empty womb (shit, that sounds really dark, even for me!).  I think the scariest thing is that I’m usually a pretty happy person and I don’t want to fall into a pit of despair.

 

So, here’s what’s happening.  I’m starting a blog!  We have an appointment scheduled with an RE on Tuesday, which seems like a lifetime from now.  But, we are moving forward and hopefully we’ll find some answers.  There are clearly glaring holes in my story and I’ll spell them out as time goes on.  For now, it feels good to be putting something out there and not feeling so alone.