Welcome to my world.

Hello, my name is Laura and I've been trying to make a baby since January 2013.  On some level, I knew I would have trouble conceiving, even though I really have no good reason for thinking that.  I’ve always had regular periods, I have a normal BMI and I’m relatively young at 32.  But, I started following infertility/TTC blogs circa month 2 of trying.  I thought it would help to read about other people going through the process, and it has.  It’s also shown what a scary world infertility can be.  I’ve debated starting my own blog for a while now, but didn’t really feel like I was a member of the community yet and I thought I’d get a lot of side eye for complaining about not being able to conceive after 6 months.  Plus, I had 3 real life friends struggling with making a baby, so I had plenty of support.  Then 2 of them got pregnant.  I was doing fine because the remaining babyless friend was my closest friend and the one whose journey most closely matched mine.  As in, our periods were basically synced and we started trying at the same time.   It was so great to be able to say things to her that no one else would understand.  We counted days together, reported symptoms to each other, cried with each other, and ultimately just “got” each other. 

 

Then today, I got the following text “I took a test.  Its positive.  3 tests later confirm.  Wanted to send thru text if you dont want to talk.”  Well, that pushed me over the edge.  I got that text at 10:57 am and spent the next 7 hours in the fetal position on the couch watching QVC and eating Reese’s peanut butter cups.  It was dark.  And man, I went really dark.  But, in the last half hour, I’ve pulled myself together enough to start writing.  I think was I was mourning most this afternoon was the loss of my confidant.  She was my last touchstone.  My last place to send my fears.  And now I feel so very alone. Sure, I have my husband.  And he’s great.  He tries to say the right things and sits with me when I cry, but he doesn’t “get” it.  He wants a baby as much as I do, but he doesn’t feel the weight of an empty womb (shit, that sounds really dark, even for me!).  I think the scariest thing is that I’m usually a pretty happy person and I don’t want to fall into a pit of despair.

 

So, here’s what’s happening.  I’m starting a blog!  We have an appointment scheduled with an RE on Tuesday, which seems like a lifetime from now.  But, we are moving forward and hopefully we’ll find some answers.  There are clearly glaring holes in my story and I’ll spell them out as time goes on.  For now, it feels good to be putting something out there and not feeling so alone.